Clearly, this is Brittain’s blog, hence the name “Brittain’s Blog”. But, as we’ve passed the 3rd birthday of Brittain (and the blog), this blog has evolved into a sort of, “so, here’s the latest with the Gills and the rest of the extended family.” Unfortunately, I think this title is too long for a URL, and I don’t see it fitting into the header. So, for anyone who may be bothered by the fact that sometimes my posts may not be directly related to Brittain, you may feel satisfaction that yes, I do realize this. What I try to keep in mind is that this is something Brittain will read someday (because let’s face it, I won’t be presenting her with a baby book) and I think she will enjoy knowing things about her parents and the things we went through while she was growing up. Someday she will probably have children of her own, and she deserves to know that it’s okay not to be perfect, because her mama certainly isn’t. And, she deserves to know something that my Mama reminds me of all the time, and that is, “There’s no problem that’s too big to handle.”
This leads me to what has been going on with me the last few months of my life. Without going into TOO much detail, I will still write and say way too much (because that’s what I do) and tell you that these past months have definitely been the worst of my life. I know…this sounds totally and completely dramatic and because you know me and the rest of my family, I’m sure it’s not even shocking to you. But hopefully you’ll just trust me. It’s been bad.
I have come to the realization that just when I think I have my life planned out just the way it should be, God decides to show me that, “Um…no…you’re wrong and the sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be.” Because, turns out that coming off birth control in an effort to have a second child that would be 4 years Brittain’s junior, was the wrong decision since after 3 weeks of being off the pill, my body had some kind of weird withdrawal from the hormones that are in the pill that caused these SEVERE and CONSTANT panic attacks that caused me to start believing that I’d be better off not living because I couldn’t live with the way I was feeling. The good news is that after hundreds of dollars in doctor co-pays and going back ON birth control, I am slowly starting to feel more like myself again. It’s not over apparently, as it seems to be a day-to-day kind of thing, but the fact that I am having some good days mixed in is giving me hope that perhaps someday I will feel normal again. Other factors are also contributing to my getting better. 1) The prescription of xanax; 2) the “spend the night parties” at my parents’ house where my dad has been nice enough to give up his bed so that I could sleep with my mommy; 3) my mom, despite the long hours she works everyday has been right there with me, no matter how late at night, staying awake with me until I could finally fall asleep; 4) Aunt Su Su, who has also made several trips to Griffin (aside from her normal weekend visits) to help out with Brittain; 4) an extremely understanding boss as I would have been fired long ago if I had another job; 5) a husband who has had to take over many of the household things that he’s used to me doing so that I could try to rest and recover; and 6) my church that has long-time friends and also a beautiful sanctuary for me to go to when I needed to cry and beg God for his help…because I am still experiencing days that I just don’t feel like I’m going to make it.
I am dealing with the fact that God apparently has some kind of other plan for me and my childbearing. Never in my life did I think I would be so excited to wake up and think to myself, “I think I feel good enough to put on makeup today” instead of thinking, “I hope I live to see tomorrow.” I’m also trying to find a way to deal with questions from Brittain like, “When is my baby brother or sister going to be here?” at which point I explain that God makes all of us and it’s just taking him a little bit longer to make her baby sibling. She seemed to understand this, but now I get the question, “Why is it taking God so long to make my baby brother or sister?”
For now I am concentrating on getting better and trying not to miss a single moment with my child that seems to be growing faster than I can keep up with. I’m also “keeping the faith” and trusting that God has some kind of different plan than I had for myself. Whenever he’s ready to bless me with another child, it will be his plan and it will be right.
And a note to my Brittain: No problem is too big to handle. Don’t ever forget that.
