What is it about starting all over that sounds so appealing? Don’t get me wrong, there would be some things in life that I would want to bring with me to my fresh start, but doesn’t a clean slate sound kinda fun? Then again, I’m a big believer in knowing that everything happens for a reason, and I wouldn’t be who I am, or where I am if it weren’t for the path that I took. I have made a real effort not to look back at any part of my past and think “if I had just done that differently…”. Instead, I try to view it as just another step to where I am today.

I haven’t actually purchased a CD at a store in a very long time, so any real CD I listen to is an old one. Usually when the holidays start approaching, I pull out my case of CDs and bring out my old-school Mariah Carey (and the like) Christmas albums. One of my favorites is the SheDaisy Christmas album (in case you don’t know, they are a country group made up of 3 sisters) that they came out with a few years ago. I pulled out this CD a little late in the season this year. And, although I have my favorites that I automatically go to, this year I found myself repeating the last track of this album called, “Brand New Year.” As I really listened to the lyrics and figured out everything they were saying, the words had a special meaning to me this year.

My revolution…
Learning to turn the outside inside out
Having the courage to find what life is all about
Loving so purely can surely melt a frozen heart
Knowing sometimes all over is the perfect place to start.

Welcome to my revolution
Lucky you, lucky me
The way we were meant to be
This is my one resolution and I make it with no fear
To live, to love, today
Cause it’s a brand new year

Seeing the world through rose colored eyes
This is my one big chance and I’m gonna make it twice
With the past below, I know love lifted me up here
So I’ll take a breath, kiss the sky, toll the bell
Cause it’s a brand new year

Resiliently, reclaiming me
Refining my recovery
Untwist my fate, unlock the gate,
let’s make a little noise
Cause it’s a brand new year

Welcome to my revolution
Lucky you, lucky me
The way we were meant to be
This is my one resolution and I make it with no fear
It’s never been so clear
Second chance is what got me here
To live, to love, today
Cause it’s a brand new year.

As I sit here at the end of New Year’s Day, I’m a little worn down from the activities, but I’m hopeful of the New Year and what it will bring. The last few years, although the most wonderful in so many ways,have also been some of the most trying. So, I’m looking at 2009 as a new beginning, a second chance in some ways. But, more than anything else, it’s a chance to make a resolution to do what we should make sure we all do everyday anyway…to live…and to love harder and more deeply. It’s a BRAND NEW YEAR!

We decided to have a New Year’s Eve “bash” over at our house. With the upstairs now a playroom we figured the kids as well as the adults could have a good time. There was plenty of guitar hero playin’, jumpy castle jumpin, and margarita drinkin’ for everyone.

Brittain getting ready for the party. She almost chose Mommy’s high heels as the finishing touch to the outfit:

I made a decision before everyone arrived that I was going to enforce the rule that only 2 kids were allowed in the jumpy castle at one time. I should have informed everyone else of my rule, though because when I walked upstairs after being downstairs for a little while, all 6 children were in there at one time. What could I do about it then?:

We took a break early on to eat some pizza. I figured this would be a great way for Brittain to see other children eating and therefore eat something herself. I was so excited as I watched her sit with the other kids. Yay! She’s going to actually eat!

But that night as we were picking up plates to throw away, we found a plate with a piece of pizza that looked exactly like this. She hadn’t eaten a thing! She sure fooled us:

I think this picture is so cute:

Right before Steve, Erin and the kids left, I asked if I could take a picture of the 4 of them together. Clearly I should have done this earlier in the evening because, by this point, it was time for bed and Will and Grace were TIIIIIIYERD! I actually took 4 or 5 pictures, but this one was definitely my favorite:

Baby Chord and his mommy Tara dropped by to join in on the fun. All the kids loved the baby. Tara was so understanding as each child wanted to see and touch him…multiple times. Brittain especially was taken by the baby and would hardly leave his side:

For the most part, Ava and Robert chose to stay where guitar hero was being played. They contributed to the fun by dancing their little hearts out:

We got an unexpected visit from Aunt CC and Uncle Matthew late into the evening. They were coming back from Boston that day and ended up being much later getting home than we expected due to them missing their original flight. It was a great surprise for us, although I’m sure this was NOT how they envisioned spending their New Years Eve:

If you can believe it, these 3 hung in there until about 1 o’clock in the morning. We finally put them in our bed so they could watch an episode of Caillou before heading to bed. The funniest thing about this picture, to me, is the fact that Brittain looks like she’s near death, yet Robert and Leah look like they could continue like this for another couple of hours:

Despite the very late bedtime, Brittain woke up at her regular time of 7:45 a.m. She was sweet enough to sit in our bed another couple of hours and watch tv so we could get a little more sleep. The new years festivities didn’t stop when our overnight guests left. After a very leisurely morning with the Evans’ and Sean, Aunt CC, Uncle Matthew, Sophie, Mimi, Aunt SuSu, and Doot all came over to continue the fun:

Brittain really wanted to play Guitar Hero herself, so I spent a few minutes trying to teach her. As you can see, both of us were quite impressed:

I am officially in recovery mode from Christmas. Who knew that having days off in order to celebrate a holiday would result in needing to recover?!

I mentioned in a previous post how excited I’ve been about Christmas with Brittain this year. It was a good thing that we had “Christmas comes early” at my parent’s house a week before Christmas. It got me through to the actual day.

When Christmas Eve day finally arrived, I was beyond myself with excitement. All the Christmas shopping was done and I couldn’t wait to attend the candlelight service at the church, come home and “set up” Christmas, and then wake up the next morning for the much anticipated day.

I think the true magic for me started that afternoon as I was getting ready for church. I was in the bathroom putting on my makeup when Brittain came in and said, “Merry Christmas, Mommy.” It was such a sweet moment during which I also said, “…and Happy Birthday, Jesus.” (We’ve made a real effort to make sure she understands that this holiday is not just about Santa Claus. And, while she may not understand it completely, I think we’ve at least set the foundation for her to eventually understand the true meaning). She answered me by saying, “Yes, and Happy Birthday Jesus…up there” (and pointed upwards).

I was involved in both Christmas Eve church services, and sang “O Holy Night” at the first one. Because most of my family is involved in the choir, which was only participating in the later service, everyone attended the first service and was able to sit in the congregation together. It was such a meaningful site for me to see the whole family sitting together, and my precious child sitting with them (and behaving quite well, I must say). I was amazed that Brittain made it through the entire service. Having her sitting out there when I got up to sing “O Holy Night” made the moment more special than I could have imagined. To be honest, I’m not even sure how I got through the song. I somehow kept down a lump in my throat. I felt like any minute I was going to break down in tears and let out quite a few “boo-hoo’s.” I kept my composure and looked directly over my family’s pew until I sang the last note. It was the next moment that made Christmas for me. As Seth played the last note and there was complete silence in the church, Brittain clapped for me. She didn’t say anything…she just clapped.

A few pictures taken before heading to church:

When I arrived home that night from the second service, Brittain was already tucked in bed, so Dan and I immediately started putting together Santa Claus toys. I can vividly remember Christmases as a child. I don’t remember every gift, but what I do remember is Cecilia and me running into the living room, and everything actually sparkling. I can still see it in my head right now. My parents did an unbelievable job making magical Christmases for us. All I could think is that I wanted for Brittain to experience the same thing. I wanted the room to “sparkle” for her just as it had for me.

The Santa setup:

Although Brittain had been asleep many hours before we finally got in bed, we somehow came to the conclusion that it would be a “good idea” for her to sleep in the bed with us. We justified this to each other for the reason that we were afraid she would wake up on her own and go into the living room without us. My reason, though, was simply that I just wanted to be close to her all night. I questioned this “good idea” when I saw that I wasn’t going to sleep as soundly as I hoped I would. Dan and Brittain, on the other hand, seemed to sleep as soundly as they ever have. Dan was snuggled up on his side of the bed, snoring like it was what he was put on this earth to do. Brittain took full advantage of the king-sized bed as she slept comfortably in the middle of the bed and my side of the bed. As for me, I teeter-tottered on the edge all night, trying to stuff my earplugs as far in my ears as they would go and keep from rolling right off into the floor (which now that I look back on it may not have been such a bad thing). I did get to watch Brittain sleep, which was really, really nice and made my fatigue the next day completely worth it.

When Brittain woke up the next morning, there was no mention of Santa Claus, and I truly believe she had forgotten all the talk of gifts. We went about our normal routine as she drank her milk and watched some cartoons in our bed. During this, Dan and I went into the living room to turn on the movie camera and make sure everything was in place and ready to go. When we walked back in our bedroom to get her, it was evident that we suddenly felt the excitement we used to feel as children on Christmas morning as we said, “Brittain, Santa Claus came to see you last night!” Her eyes got as big and wide as I’ve ever seen them. As she got off the bed and started running down the hall, I ran ahead of her to get a few pictures. These were the best as she first saw the Santa setup. She ran down the hall and then stopped dead in her tracks and just stared in total awe and excitement.

It’s a hard lesson to learn, but I believe Brittain would have had the same reaction and felt the same excitement had she gotten one single gift. I had spent many sleepless nights wondering if she was going to have enough to open on Christmas morning. In the end, I think it was a little overwhelming to her. After the Santa gifts, she was less than interested in opening the wrapped gifts under the tree. “JUST LET ME PLAY ALREADY!!!!”

See what I mean? This is a bag of fruit snacks. Actually, they’re not even real fruit snacks. They’re an off-brand of fruit snacks from Wal-Mart. I think I could have gotten her this and she would have thought she had the greatest Christmas ever:

After we finished opening gifts, Brittain received some visitors who came to see what Santa Claus brought her:

After playing a while and taking a good afternoon nap, we headed over to Gramy and Papa’s house to celebrate. In addition to some wrapped gifts, Gramy and Papa had also added to Brittain’s toy collection in the playroom in their house. Gramy thought it would be a good idea for her to see the new playroom toys while we were waiting on dinner to get ready. Of course the problem was pulling her away once it was time to eat:

It became obvious that Connie could have purchased this one play makeup kit and it would have kept Brittain occupied for the entire evening:

Brittain approved of the appetizer that evening of sherbet:

The gift opening started out with a bang. Just as I had done, Gramy and Papa made sure there were plenty of presents under the tree for Brittain to open.

Of course, less than halfway through, Brittain decided that she was tired of all this and she would much prefer to go play with her new toys in the playroom. When I looked at this next picture later that night, it cracked me up. I’m just imagining her saying, “It’s a pair of shoes mom. A pink pair of shoes. Do you really have to take a picture of every single thing I open?”:

The night was deteriorating quickly, so by the time we got to the last gift, Brittain literally refused to open it. Fortunately I knew that this was the gift she would like the most so I said, “Brittain, I think there’s a baby doll in there.” She then had a mission to get this gift open! It was a shame that there was a lot of assembly required because me, Dan, Connie, and Roger did not make a good team as we rushed to put everything together. Since we didn’t find the instructions until after we had finished, it was a comedy routine making sure we had everything correct:

After our dinner had settled and the gift opening was complete, we sang “Happy Birthday to Jesus” before partaking in some delicious dessert. I set the timer for this picture. I died laughing when I looked at it and saw Dan and me posing like it was our job, while everyone else stayed “in the moment.”:

I can’t believe that Christmas is just 3 days away. I have to tell you…the past few weeks have just about been more than I could handle. For those of you who don’t know this, I had to go in the hospital on Tuesday of last week to have a cervical cone biopsy due to the fact that I was diagnosed with severe dysplasia after a biopsy a couple of weeks ago. (If you don’t know what all of this means, just google “sever dysplasia” and you will know all you want and more.) Anyway, I will summarize all of this just to say that everything is good. The results of the cone biopsy were exactly what we had hoped for. My doctor got it all and got “clear margins.” Don’t you love all this terminology? In layman’s terms, “he got all the bad stuff out”…which is all I needed to know.

There was a period of time over a couple of weeks where my mind was going in a trillion different directions. I was waiting to go into the hospital for the cone biopsy and the only thing I knew was that I was “this close” to stage 1 cervical cancer, and even though the initial biopsy didn’t show cancer, there was a possibility they could go in with this next procedure only to find that I had parts of my cervix that had develped into cancer. Every move I made, every step I took, every look Brittain gave me, every time I held her, or kissed her, or talked to her…I thought it might be the last. The fear and the sadness was almost more than I could bear. In only a couple weeks time, I successfully “banked” about 20 hours of work that I will have to eventually make up. There was no way I was missing anything when it came to Brittain, and in the midst of savoring every moment I found myself giving into the mornings where she was moving slow or just didn’t feel like getting dressed. What can I say? I gave in and just let her take her time. (Thanks, Bradley, for understanding.)

Christmas comes earlier and earlier every year. We’ve all said it. None of us can believe how early the stores start decorating. And we’ve all said it to each other when we’ve run out of other conversation…”I tell ya, next year they’re going to start decorating in August for Christmas!” We get it, okay? The decorating is TOO EARLY. Let’s just get past it. *Admission: I kind of liked it this year… I know, I know, I’m a terrible person. But I have a 2 YEAR OLD! And it was FUN. And I wanted to teach her early about Christmas and Santa Claus and the REAL MEANING of the day.

It kind of all started when Dan and Brittain went to Lowes right after Halloween. There were a few straggling Halloween decorations, but the whole place was already full of “holiday cheer.” I found out after they arrived home that Dan took the opportunity to bring up the true meaning of the holiday season during that trip to Lowes. Apparently, as Brittain was marveling over all the lights and trees and big blowup Santas and snowmen, Dan asked her, “Brittain, do you know whose birthday these decorations are for?” Brittain looked up at him with those big blue eyes and said, “Ooohhh…Uncle Doug?” (Doug, she obviously thinks VERY highly of you.) Dan quickly explained that they were actually for Jesus (and she hasn’t gotten it wrong since.)

Christmas festivities have happened very quickly ever since. The first was a gingerbread house making at her preschool. Mimi and I attended. Although all the supplies were provided, I brought my own expensive aerosol can of frosting thinking that it would perhaps make Brittain’s gingerbread house the very best. In the end, I could hardly figure out how to use the damn can of frosting…and our gingerbread house certainly wasn’t the best. But it didn’t matter what our gingerbread house looked like. I was there with my precious little girl doing something fun together. (Oh, did I mention that while waiting on Mimi to arrive, Brittain and I ate the gingerbread man that was also meant to be decorated? Yeah…we did.)

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Brittain’s preschool Christmas party just happened to fall on the day after I was having surgery. There was no way I was going to miss this of course, so I brought help along and attended as if I hadn’t just undergone surgery the day before and been under anesthesia. I love it that I can sit here and say that I was there. I may have been in a slight amount of pain and under the effects of heavy narcotics, but I was there, and I have those memories filed away in my brain for all eternity.

Since Aunt Su Su and Mimi continued to be my caretakers after Dan had to go back to work, they drew straws as to who would attend the Christmas party with Brittain and me, and Aunt Su Su won. She was the one in charge of the driving, picking Brittain up when necessary (since I couldn’t lift anything over 5 lbs.), taking some pictures, and just making sure that all was well and good. I loved having Aunt Su Su there. I ALWAYS love having Aunt Su Su around, so obviously I was happy that she could experience the day along with us.

But, while it was fun, I have come to find that any time I spend at the preschool in Brittain’s class is a term beyond exhausting that I don’t even know. The times I have been there before, it hasn’t even been for the entire 3 hour class time. Usually it’s only for an hour at the most. But when I leave there, I feel like I have just been through battle, and a lot of times I want to come home, bury my head into a pillow and just scream (jk, of course). The preschool Christmas party was no different in that there was a LOT of activity, and a LOT of 2 year olds, and a VERY SHORT amount of time that seemed like FOREVER. During the 1 hour and 15 minutes that Aunt Su Su and I were there, we never spoke one word. The only communication we had was a few fleeting glances at each other. It was only when it was finally time to leave and we were walking to the car that she said, “So, how much do those teachers get paid?” After I explained that the teachers at this preschool teach these kids because they want to, and not for the money, she said to me, “I would slit my wrists.” We both laughed a HA HA knowing that that was a joke, of course. But then we gave each other that look and did a “nanoo nanoo” kind of thing where we read each other’s minds and knew we were each thinking, “I am TOTALLY serious.” And then we just smiled and went about our day.

Bottom line:
1) It’s a good thing that I don’t have 10 children the age of 2
2) I am not cut out to be a teacher of 2 year olds (and neither is Aunt Su Su, apparently)
3) Please, dear Lord, give me another child as well-behaved as Brittain when we decide to have another child. 🙂
4) I am kidding about all of this, so please, no one respond to this post saying to me, “You know your next kid is going to be a hellion so you better just prepare yourself for the worst” because I WILL hunt you down…and prove you wrong with my next kid.

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UPDATE: Having “almost cancer” can sometimes be a good thing. I won out on making sure Brittain got the “castle.” I got the go-ahead from Dan, so I went straight to the person who I knew was sitting on ready to give the ultimate gift – Aunt Su Su.

The day finally arrived – Christmas. Oh, no, not ACTUAL Christmas…Christmas Comes Early! Since it was the year for Cecilia and Matt to spend the holidays in Boston, they arrived in Griffin on Saturday to have Christmas here before leaving for their trip. ******I will interrupt this mushy, everthing-was-wonderful story to tell you that Cecilia arrived from Florida in horrible pain. Their 8:00 a.m. departure time from Florida turned into a 1:00 p.m. departure time due to Cecilia’s doubled over with abdominal pain. I am crying thinking about my poor sister. They arrived at our parent’s at 6:30 and Cecilia kept a permanent smile on her face the entire evening despite what she was going through. I will jump ahead to tell you that by the end of the weekend she was in the ER only to find out that she had a hemmoragic ovarian cyst to rupture (this was what happened Saturday morning before they left). THIS is the pain she was dealing with for the rest of the day. Again, my poor sister. Talk about putting a smile on your face…Cec, I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this. You are clearly a better person that me (and most anyone else)!**** Now, back to the Clark Christmas…all of the family gathered together to spoil Brittain, so after chowing down on some fabulous food, we herded everyone into the living room to open presents. Since the adults decided not to exchange gifts this year, the gift opening only involved Brittain, which trust me, was enough excitement for all of us. As she opened gift…after gift….after gift…all I could think about was how much MORE stuff she was going to be getting from us and from the other set of grandparents on Christmas day. During the gift opening she quite obviously switched over to some sort of twilight zone.

Fortunately we had sort of come up with a game plan for the order of gifts. I was privy to most everything she was receiving, but there were a couple of surprises even to me. The biggest was the ball pit that Aunt CC and Uncle Makhew gave her. In addition to some great outfits, they also gave her this ball pit (which has proved to be a favorite in the following days.) Then, there was the dollhouse from Mimi and Doot. A couple of months ago while trying to think of ideas of gifts for Brittain, I had suggested a dollhouse to Mama and Daddy. It’s so hard to determine what kids are going to like…I mean, right now I will say that Brittain’s favorite things to play with are her toy kitchen and a baby doll from Big Lots. But, I went out on a limb and told them that I thought a dollhouse would be a good idea. They ended up purchasing it, so at the end of gift opening, Doot brought in her new dollhouse that he had put together that afternoon. I nervously watched to see her reaction, but there was obviously no need for nervousness. She LOVED it. And, I could hardly pull her away from it in order to show her the last gift of the evening from Aunt Su Su…the jumpy castle.

I have to admit it…my calm, almost-had-cancer-so-I’m-going-to-appreciate-and-savor-every-moment attitude quickly left me when it was time to present the jumpy castle to my pride and joy. I suddenly became that bitchy wife/daughter/sister/mother who starts shouting orders. But, let me just tell you that not one person tried to argue with me. Yes, the jumpy castle was Brittain’s gift, but you know what?…for the last 2 months I’ve been thinking about what the look on her face would be if she were to get this for Christmas. This was just as much my Christmas gift as it was hers.

After what seemed like WAY too much coordination and preparation, Dan and Matt (with the help of others) set up the castle in the driveway and it was time for “the unveiling.” I will say to you that Brittain’s reaction was not what I had expected. I pictured her giving her patented “O”, surprised face. Instead, the look on her face was better than I could have ever imagined in my dreams. It was the look of disbelief and an inner excitement that radiated from within her. As Aunt Su Su texted me later that night, “It was as if she was reunited with a long lost friend when she got in that castle to jump.” That was what it was. All of us sat outside for a long time and watched her jump and listened to her say things like, “This jumpy castle is great.” Perhaps it was too much for her to take in and comprehend, but I absorbed it all. I don’t think anyone could have known how special that moment was for me. Seeing the joy on my child’s face was what I had been waiting for. I watched her with an inner peace and joy that I’ve never known. Is there a more perfect Christmas than this? I was seeing my child with that sincere joy…and knowing that I was going to be around to experience this Christmas and many more with her and the people that mean so much to me.

My cup runneth over.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

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